Thursday, May 19, 2005
Bush Wins Papal Vote
Bush Wins Papal Vote (Reuters)
23 April 2005 0953 GMT VATICAN CITY -
In a turn of events that stunned Vatican officials, U. S. President George W. Bush has been named to succeed John Paul II as the next leader of the Roman Catholic Church. For the first time in history --and unknown to the fawning media-- the College of Cardinals employed electronic voting machines to select the next Supreme Pontiff. Bush won by a margin of 2,528 votes, despite the fact that only 115 Cardinals took part in the process. The machines, which were last used in Ohio for the 2004 presidential election, also registered 27 votes for Democratic candidate John Kerry.
"It's a miracle!" cried Kenneth Blackwell, Ohio's Secretary of State, gubernatorial candidate and unofficial spokesperson for voting machine manufacturer Diebold Corporation. "This result vindicates our use of Diebold machines last November. They work just as they are supposed to every time. They delivered the desired vote in Ohio and now they've done so in the Vatican. God has spoken."
Supporters of Panzerkardinal, Joseph Ratzinger, whom initial reports had leading by a comfortable margin in the voting, demanded a recount. But Blackwell said the voting machines, which had been modified to emit a plume of white smoke when a plurality was reached, are unable to produce a paper audit trail, rendering a recount impossible. "Herr Ratzinger should return the ring. Mr. Bush is the duly elected pope!"
When informed of his victory, President Bush expressed surprise. "I was not aware I was running for the popecy," he said. "I wish people would tell me these things." However, he added "I am impregnated with humblidity, and would be honored and privileged to serve as Supreme Pontoon for the rest of my natural life, or until I die, whichever comes first."
"This dual role for Mr. Bush can only help the GOP," intoned House Majority Leader Tom DeLay. "Having a president who is infallible will make it impossible for our Democratic opponents to deny that God approves of our antediluvian agenda."
The president/pope is expected to adopt an appropriate name for his reign on the throne of St. Peter. Unnamed sources close to Bush say even money in White House circles is on the name, Pope Clement VX, in honor of Clement V, the 14th century pope who gave away the Church's wealth to his relatives, leaving a bare treasury.
23 April 2005 0953 GMT VATICAN CITY -
In a turn of events that stunned Vatican officials, U. S. President George W. Bush has been named to succeed John Paul II as the next leader of the Roman Catholic Church. For the first time in history --and unknown to the fawning media-- the College of Cardinals employed electronic voting machines to select the next Supreme Pontiff. Bush won by a margin of 2,528 votes, despite the fact that only 115 Cardinals took part in the process. The machines, which were last used in Ohio for the 2004 presidential election, also registered 27 votes for Democratic candidate John Kerry.
"It's a miracle!" cried Kenneth Blackwell, Ohio's Secretary of State, gubernatorial candidate and unofficial spokesperson for voting machine manufacturer Diebold Corporation. "This result vindicates our use of Diebold machines last November. They work just as they are supposed to every time. They delivered the desired vote in Ohio and now they've done so in the Vatican. God has spoken."
Supporters of Panzerkardinal, Joseph Ratzinger, whom initial reports had leading by a comfortable margin in the voting, demanded a recount. But Blackwell said the voting machines, which had been modified to emit a plume of white smoke when a plurality was reached, are unable to produce a paper audit trail, rendering a recount impossible. "Herr Ratzinger should return the ring. Mr. Bush is the duly elected pope!"
When informed of his victory, President Bush expressed surprise. "I was not aware I was running for the popecy," he said. "I wish people would tell me these things." However, he added "I am impregnated with humblidity, and would be honored and privileged to serve as Supreme Pontoon for the rest of my natural life, or until I die, whichever comes first."
"This dual role for Mr. Bush can only help the GOP," intoned House Majority Leader Tom DeLay. "Having a president who is infallible will make it impossible for our Democratic opponents to deny that God approves of our antediluvian agenda."
The president/pope is expected to adopt an appropriate name for his reign on the throne of St. Peter. Unnamed sources close to Bush say even money in White House circles is on the name, Pope Clement VX, in honor of Clement V, the 14th century pope who gave away the Church's wealth to his relatives, leaving a bare treasury.
# posted by The Punisher @ Thursday, May 19, 2005 
