The Obfuscation Report

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BOWLING GREEN, Va. -- The Boy Scouts marched onto the field singing, plopping down in the grass to wait for President Bush. But hours later, the news that Bush couldn't make it was drowned out by sirens and shouts as hundreds fell ill because of the blistering heat as GOD chose to punish the wicked wicked boy scouts. The Allmighty’s disapproval was confirmed by the blistering heat brought on by HIS will.

At the last jamboree four years ago, GOD mildly punished President Bush and the Scouts as the President’s trip was also canceled because of bad weather brought on by God, in which lightning strikes caused minor injuries to two Scouts. Bush spoke to the group a day later by videotape.

GOD obviously did not accomplish his goal of punishing the Scouts and Bush 4 years ago, so this year he chose a more noticeable form of voicing HIS displeasure.

They were deeply devoted to the Boy Scouts, traveling thousands of miles to the woods of northern Virginia for 10 fun-filled days of fishing, archery and storytelling beside the campfire. One of their first tasks: Set up a large tent.

But the task went terribly awry when GOD forced them to lose control of a giant tent pole and it hit some nearby power lines, killing four Scout leaders as horrified youngsters looked on, said Bill Haines, a Scout executive in Alaska.

Karl Holfeld said his 15-year-old son Taylor, witnessed the accident and was on his cell phone to his mother back home in Alaska when the electrocutions occurred.

The boys "all started screaming," Holfeld told the Anchorage Daily News. "He said, 'Oh my God, oh my God, the tent is on fire, they're being burned!'"

Asked for comment on why GOD chose to kill these men as God-fearing Scouts looked on, the Angel of Death replied…. “Those punks had it comin’!”

Killed were Michael J. Shibe, 49, Mike Lacroix, 42, and Ronald H. Bitzer, 58, all of Anchorage, Alaska; and Scott Edward Powell, 57, who had recently moved from Anchorage to Perrysville, Ohio. Shibe had two sons at the Jamboree and Lacroix had one.

Three adults were injured, and one returned to the Jamboree after being released from the hospital.

On Wednesday, Shields said the group had ignored scouting teachings by putting the tent under a power line and leaders had taken the "somewhat unusual" step of hiring a contractor to help with the task.

"Boy Scouts are taught not to put their tents under trees or under power lines. I don't know what happened in that case," Shields said.

Some cite this as the reason GOD was angry, but others point to the fact that GOD has now intervened in the last two Jamborees. Asked why he thought God might be angry, First Lt. Perry Puckett said “Idolatry.”

Additionally GOD punished About 300 people, most of them Scouts, as they suffered from dehydration, fatigue and lightheadedness Wednesday _ just days after GOD killed four Scout leaders at the national Jamboree while pitching a tent beneath a power line.

Temperatures at Fort A.P. Hill, an Army base where the 10-day event is being held, reached the upper 90s and were intensified by high humidity and GOD’s will.

"This is hot for me," said Chad McDowell, 16, who lives in Warrenton, Ore. "Where I'm from if it's 75, we think that it's a heat wave that GOD brought on.”

However, not everyone was disappointed to see GOD's wrath in action. Billy Thomas of Franklin,Virginia said that he hoped to come back to the Jamboree 4 years from now. "Just think," he said, "maybe we'll get locusts..... that would be cool."

Others, like little Bobby Ashcroft, hope to see a bit more old school wrath. "I was thinking of pestilence. Maybe God could whip up a little bubonic plague, for old times sake."

The strangest request was by Bubba Scalia, of Fargo, ND who said, "I really want to see someone turn into a pillar of salt. Or maybe some sulfur rain."

Half of the 300 who fell ill were treated and released from the fort's hospital. Dozens more were sent to surrounding hospitals, where they were in stable condition Wednesday night, Jamboree spokesman Gregg Shields said.

The more than 40,000 Scouts, volunteers, and leaders attending the event had been standing in the sun about three hours when word came that GOD had whipped up severe thunderstorms and high winds that forced the president to postpone his appearance until Thursday. Bush's spokesman said Thursday that the visit would instead happen Sunday, at the Scouts' request, hoping to appease GOD.

Repeated phone calls to the Jamboree press office were not returned.

This time, Bush was expected to talk about the importance of Scouting and touch on the Monday deaths of four Scout leaders.

Many Scouts ate dinner at 2 p.m. and stood in long security lines to get a good spot in the open field to see what for most would be their first glimpse of a president in person.

Volunteers distributed water and ice by the caseload, and the Scouts were told they could remove their uniform shirts if they had another shirt underneath _ a rarity for an event as important as a presidential visit, most Scouts said. Others commented that having 40,000 Scouts standing around bare-chested was just way too homo-erotic, so they would have to suffer in their wool shirts.

Soldiers carried Scouts on stretchers to the base hospital, located about three miles from the arena stage. Others were airlifted from the event while Jamboree officials called for emergency help from surrounding areas to transport Scouts during the storm, which brought high winds and lightning according to the will of the ALMIGHTY.

A Scout spokesman tried to blame everything on the ACLU. Troop Leader Pat Pilate said "we know it's them, they've infiltrated our group and staged everything." Asked how the ACLU managed to make it 100 degrees and cause lighting, Pilate said, "Special Effects. You know Hollywood is infested with them Liberals."

Scott Cameron, 57, of Anchorage, volunteered to fill in as a troop leader after the accident. He said the Scouts are getting through their grief.

"We'll be fine for a minute and then just break down," he said. "But we've had an awful lot of help, but God sure doesn’t like us.”

Lt. Gen. William G. "Jerry" Boykin, the new deputy undersecretary for defense for intelligence commented, "We know God put George W. Bush in the Whitehouse for a reason, we just didn't know the reason was because HE hates Bush and the boy scouts."
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