The Obfuscation Report: 125 (135 now) things Jabba is no longer allowed to do in the Air Force

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

125 (135 now) things Jabba is no longer allowed to do in the Air Force

from Dailykos:

by jabbausaf

Tue Aug 9th, 2005 at 02:22:14 PDT

This was inspired by the now infamous "Skippy's List". However, that list was Army-centered, and is a few years out of date, since it refers to a deployment in Kosovo (or Bosnia, somewhere around there). So I've got a list for me, in the USAF, deployed to Iraq. Enjoy!

I'll probably add more eventually, as I think of them

jabbausaf's diary :: ::

135 things Jabba is no longer allowed to do in the Air Force

Acronyms and military terms used:
COMM: short for the Communications squadron, the guys who handle phones and computers and such
UXO: Unexploded Ordnance, like dud bombs and the like
MRE: Meal Ready to Eat. The chemical heaters are in plastic bags. If you put the chemical heaters into a bottle, like one of the many water bottles, and, well, add water, and screw the cap on tight, the bottle will explode from the built-up steam. That's an MRE bomb
EOD: Explosive Ordnance Disposal. Crazy mofos.
RAF: Royal Air Force, the UK air force
HQ: Headquarters
PVC: dunno what it stands for, but it's a kind of pipe that looks a lot like a rocket body if you're doing a UXO sweep in the dark, trust me
AA: Anti-Aircraft gun
VIP: Very Important Person
SecDef: The Secretary of Defense
BX: The Base Exchange, the only store on base, the only place to go to buy stuff outside of the souvenir shops
DCU: Desert Cammies
MEP: Mission Essential Power
CE: Civil Engineering; handles power, water, A/C, roads, and so forth. Everything infrastructure
RPG: Rocket Propelled Grenade
HazMat: Hazardous Materials
PT: Physical Training

The List

Scorpions are not mascots
Scorpions are also not housepets
Wild dogs are not "man's best friend"
It's not an acceptable form of entertainment to shut off power to the camp and see how long it takes someone to call in
Cutting COMM's power is not justifiable retaliation for a website being blocked
...Even if it was a really funny website
Not longer allowed to protest next to the runway when the SecDef comes
...Even if the signs are really funny
No longer allowed to ask Army personnel very confusing questions
An M-16 is not an action movie prop
The power plant's fuel bladder is not a "giant waterbed"
When asked about the location of any personnel or equipment, the proper answer is never "Dantooine... they're on Dantooine"
No longer allowed to offroad in any areas that have not been cleared of UXOs
No longer allowed to offroad at all
Leaving "MRE water heater bombs" outside EOD's building at 0200 when they're all sleeping is not allowed
The control room in the power plant is not "Just like Engineering"
No longer allowed to impersonate Scotty
Especially when an officer calls to request mobile generator support
Switching the "circuit open" and "circuit closed" lights on the control panel to make new plant operators think that a generator is disconnected, causing them to accidentally kill power when they try to close the breaker to "reconnect" power, is no longer allowed
Not allowed to ask the Brits or the Aussies "So when are you guys leaving?"
Not allowed to impersonate an Irish accent, or Lucky the Leprechaun, around Irish members of the RAF
Not allowed to run past the RAF tents with chow-hall bowls of Lucky Charms, yelling "They're after me lucky charms!"
Just because HQ is located in a building called "the glass house", not allowed to inform the base commander or any of his subordinates that they are not allowed to throw stones
Not allowed to heckle "Tops in Blue", even if they really do suck
Not allowed to tell gate guards "You don't need to see my identification"
Not allowed to pick up scrap metal in the junkyard and show my supervisor, saying "look sir, droids!"
Not allowed to ask supervisor if I can borrow the tug and "drive in Toschi Station to pick up some power converters"
...Even if I really am going to pick up power converters, the Services tent is not Toschi Station
No longer allowed to give Star Wars names to locations on base
...Or Star Trek names
...Or Dune name
...Or names from any science fiction or fantasy work
Not allowed to put fins on PVC pipe and stick it into the ground next to HQ and call it in as a UXO
Not allowed to point old Iraqi AA guns at arriving aircraft
...even if they are already on the ground
...especially if it's a VIP aircraft
...doubly especially if it's the SecDef stopping by again
Not allowed to tell visiting media that if they really want to see how things are over here, they're welcome to go outside the wire
No taunting the Iraqi guards at the airport
No mooning the control tower either
No longer allowed to stop by the CIA compound and ask what they're up to
...or ask them where bin Laden really is
No longer allowed to tell new arrivals that I saw Saddam Hussein in prison orange eating in the chow hall, because I didn't
Not allowed to picket the chow hall
...or the BX
It's usually in bad taste to tell BX employees that you could get something much cheaper on the internet, or to remark loudly that Amazon has a much better selection, even if it's true
No longer allowed to befriend wild animals
...yes, even the kittens
No longer allowed to feed the rat that lives under the power plant
If I couldn't catch the gecko the first time, I'm not going to catch it the next fifty times I try
If I do catch the gecko, not allowed to keep it as a pet
Not allowed to heckle VIPs at their speeches
...including the SecDef
...and the chaplain
Not allowed to hold Pagan Rites on base without first obtaining permission and filling out the requisite forms
Not allowed to call burn barrel fires a Pagan rite
Not allowed to sacrifice anything to the sun god
Sandstorms are not caused by angry djinn
My tent is not the Love Shack
The female tents are also not Love Shacks
The Laundry tent is not the Love Shack, despite appearances to the contrary
Not allowed to go into the base library and take all the Bibles and put them in the science fiction section
Not allowed to put books by Ron L Hubbard in the religious section
Not allowed to surround the power plant with a minefield for security purposes
Not allowed to call the Supply Tent "Costco" or "Wal-Mart"
Not allowed to lock the bathrooms
Not allowed to use camel spiders to scare people
Not allowed to call a camel spider "My magical talking companion"
Not allowed to get a Kiss Army patch on my DCUs
Not allowed to instruct the barbers to give me a Mohawk
Not allowed to try to wear my boonie cap backwards
Not allowed to try to trade my M-16 to Global Security contractors for an AK-47 and a case of beer
Not allowed to try to ferment grapes from the chow hall to make moonshine or hooch
Not allowed to use MEP-12 prime power plant generators as a still
Not allowed to shoot the radio and yell to my supervisor that "we're gonna have company" when somebody calls asking why the power is out
...even if it was a boring conversation anyway
...especially if it's the commander
Not allowed to make special requests at the chow hall
...like for filet mignon
...or "anything not fried"
...or "something that doesn't suck"
Not allowed to demand a refund for chow hall food
Not allowed to sing showtunes over the CE radio net
Not allowed to sing anything over any net
Not allowed to sing in public at all
...or in private
Not allowed to play the cat game (from Super Troopers) with anyone who needs a generator
...even if "Meow long will you need this generator for?" is funny
Not allowed to operate a pirate radio station from "deep inside a secret bunker"
Not allowed to scare new arrivals with stories of a network of secret insurgent tunnels running under the base
Not allowed to practice law without credentials
Not allowed to dance with the broom while doing shop clean-up
Not allowed to pressure wash the inside of the boss's office
...even if it is dirty in there
Not allowed to drive in and out of Security Forces checkpoints repeatedly just because the gate guard on duty is hot
Not allowed to drag race anywhere on base
...especially "highway 1"
Not allowed to play "chicken" with armored vehicles
Not allowed to use the loudspeakers to play protest songs
May no longer insist on carrying a stuffed animal everywhere and asking it before I do anything
Not allowed to name wild animals
...or to force others to use those names
Not allowed to drop something heavy on the roof of the control room and tell the people inside that a mortar just bounced off
It's not my job to point out holes in base security
...even if they are pretty big
Not allowed to yell "Bring it on" at the civilian side of the airport
Not allowed to "punk" anyone
...especially officers
Not allowed to ask civilian contractors how much more they're getting paid
The commander's office is not a HazMat storage area for waste oil
...with or without the barrels
Not allowed to go to the supply tent for the sole purpose of flirting with the clerks
Not allowed to requisition "Maxim" or "Stuff" for "research purposes"
Not allowed to customize my M-16
...that includes engraving my name on it or stealing scopes and laser sights from the cops
Pellet guns are not authorized on military installations for my own safety and I will remember that
Not allowed to sell bootleg movies from my tent
Not allowed to administer "A good death" to an ailing generator, with an RPG-7
Not allowed to yell "game over man, game over!" during outages
Not allowed to shut off fuel and see how long it takes the generators to shut down
...especially if I'm taking bets
Not allowed to take bets on anything
Not allowed to speak in tongues
I am not a faith healer
A speedo and a wifebeater is not "Conservative PT gear"

Update [2005-8-9 9:34:29 by jabbausaf]:
126. Sock puppets are not in my chain of command.
127. Magic 8 Ball is not in my chain of command.
128. I do not "got the touch" or "the power"
129. ...even if I do light the darkest hours.
130. May not use interpretive dance to criticize command decisions.
131. The making of near-beer bongs is strongly discouraged.
132. I am not "Lord of the Sand Flies".
133. No longer allowed to burn superior officers in effigy
134. Med clinic personnel will no longer be referred to as "Dr Feelgood"
135. The Med clinic will no longer be referred to as "The Happy-pill Emporium"

# posted by David @ Tuesday, August 09, 2005

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The Obfuscation Report

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

125 (135 now) things Jabba is no longer allowed to do in the Air Force

by jabbausaf

Tue Aug 9th, 2005 at 02:22:14 PDT

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