Tuesday, November 22, 2005
by Josh Righter
Proponents of sheer idiocy -- the theory that people should spend their time thinking up and then discussing improvable, wacky ideas about things -- were dealt a small victory over evolution today in the formerly scientific hotbed state of Kansas, where the Board of Edukason approved new scientific standards in order to make evolution look silly.
In contrast to evolution, which is only based on decades of research, thousands of peer-reviewed academic papers, and hard evidence including observed phenomenon and the fossil record, sheer idiocy is based on the more concrete method of stupid statements.
"This universe is so complex, it must have been higher power been created by," drooled one member of the Board, smashing his head with an enormous block of carbon. "This higher power is so created, it must have been a universe."
"Evolution," snorted another, guffawing and scratching his tailbone. "More like stupidlution."
Other Board members, such as Republican John Bacon, were not so hard on stupidlution, but said that they merely wanted "all the alternatives" taught to children, who are typically not very interested in scientific theories, preferring sheer idiocy.
"I'm just saying, sheer idiocy has just as much a place in Kansas high schools as evolution," he said defensively. "Probably even more of a place."
The Board also took it upon itself to revise the definition of science, from "the search for natural explanations of phenomena" to "searching for answers in the Bible". It is also considering adding a clause in the definition of "mathematics" to include daily prayers.
The sheer idiocy movement in Kansas comes hot on the heels of the one occurring in Dover, Pennsylvania, where a judge will soon rule on whether or not it is acceptable to teach the theory to high school students there alongside evolution and phrenology. There, proponents of idiocy say that it is just like any other scientific theory, and that they would back off if it was proven wrong, like evolution practically already is.
"If someone -- say, a scientist -- could devise a way to disprove the fact that the complex is so higher, the universe was a power, then I would go home," said one man who is sitting outside the Dover courthouse where the judge will eventually decide whether or not he believes in idiocy. "But the fact that science just can't seem to make a rocket powerful enough to fly up to Heaven and ask the 'higher power' makes me think that I'm right."
Critics of sheer idiocy charge that it is idiotic, and that they seriously can't fucking believe this. But they have the most powerful man of the free world to answer to -- President Bush has already endorsed teaching sheer idiocy in schools, as well as using it to enhance one's speaking abilities.
"I think our children need to hear the other side of the coin," he said in August of this year. "Only then will they have all the qualifications necessary to become President someday."
Tony Blair, Prime Minister of a place located towards the edge of the Earth, appeared to agree with the President, quite happily.
"Oh, gosh," he said, laughing hysterically. "Oh my God."
With the victory in Kansas and another possible in Dover, sheer idiocy would gain momentum, and begin spreading over the United States more than it already has already.
I mean, the bible was written by men and attributed to god, and he went to all the trouble to sprinkle fossils around, create and enlighten scientists to lay out the theory of evolution and everything. But those people just can't get past that book.
Have you ever been in a situation where somebody says you said something, but you didn't really say it? And no matter how hard you try to correct the record, that bastard just keeps telling people you said it?