Wednesday, November 30, 2005
An Obfuscation Report Exclusive Interview with Saddam Hussein
Ob Report: Mr. Hussein, you have been accused of a number of crimes. I’d like to take these one by one and see what you have to say about them.
Saddam: That sounds good to me.
Ob Report: You have been accused of operating rape rooms and torture chambers.
Saddam: We Do Not Torture.
Ob Report: You say that, but the evidence shows that you did in fact torture people.
Saddam: It was just a few bad apples, and they have been dealt with.
Ob Report: Your excuse is that it was just a few bad apples? It has been documented that your government operated multiple prisons in a variety of locations and the torture that was reported was consistent in all these various locations.
Saddam: Define Torture.
Ob Report: How about shackling people to the floor naked without food, water, or sunlight for days at a time?
Saddam: That’s not so bad. These people were the worst of the worst. They were terrorists. How do you expect me to run a nation without being able to randomly detain suspected terrorists and hold them for years without access to lawyers or the Red Cross? I must protect the Iraqi people and these people needed to be interrogated.
Ob Report: What about the people who died during your interrogation?
Saddam: Name one.
Ob Report: There were numerous documented instances where your own government determined that the cause of death of prisoners being interrogated was homicide. But it’s difficult to name them because your government classified all the information. Are we supposed to trust you on this?
Saddam: And I brought those individuals responsible to justice. Where’s the harm in that? Anybody who killed someone during an interrogation was dishonorably discharged from the Iraqi military after a thorough investigation. What else do you want me to do? Put them in jail? These people were patriots who got a little overzealous in protecting our freedoms.
Ob Report: So what about the sexual humiliation of prisoners?
Saddam: It was necessary to defend our freedom. They hated our freedom. What if one of these terrorists had information that could have saved Iraqi Lives? Wouldn’t a little sexual humiliation be justified to save Iraqi lives and protect Iraqis?
Ob Report: Freedom? You must be joking. Iraq was a dictatorship.
Saddam: What are you talking about? We had elections. The people have spoken and elected me president. I had capital and I intended to spend it.
Ob Report: Yes, but is has been documented that there were numerous problems with those elections. They weren’t fair. The problems with your last two elections showed major errors and votes that were not counted, you didn’t allow the U.N. to monitor those elections, how can you expect the world to believe that those elections were fair? Often times those elections were run by people from your own party, who were responsible for counting the votes. How can you call that fair?
Saddam: Those are just rumors spread by the losers. It’s all just sour grapes now. They should just acknowledge that they lost and get over it.
Ob Report: You’re kidding. Members of your own party were in control of all the disputed election zones. And you always came out on top! Are we to believe that this is just coincidence?
Saddam: Nobody was ever convicted of stealing the election.
Ob Report: What about the press? You can’t claim to have freedom of the press in Iraq?
Saddam: Yes we did. It just happens that most of the reporters were afraid to report anything negative, but they could have if they wanted to.
Ob Report: They could have if they wanted to? If they did you would have imprisoned them and tortured them and murdered them!
Saddam: That’s just lies spread by the liberal media. I wouldn’t have done such a thing. Although I did consider bombing one news organization that was spreading anti-Iraqi propaganda. But I didn’t do it. Maybe we paid a few reporters to tell a few stories. You see in my line of work you've got to keep repeating thing over and over... to kinda catepult the propaganda.
Ob Report: We need to move on. You have been accused of using Chemical Weapons on your own people.
Saddam: Well technically they aren’t our people. They were Kurds. They’ve been claiming for decades that they weren’t part of Iraq. Now they are all of a sudden my own people?
Ob Report: Let me rephrase, you’ve been accused of using Chemical Weapons.
Saddam: Did not.
Ob Report: Your own government reported that you used Chemical Weapons in retaking a Kurdish Town.
Saddam: Oh, well we only used the weapons for illumination purposes. They were not used on people.
Ob Report: Saddam, your own government reported that you used those weapons on insurgents.
Saddam: Oh, yeah, well ON INSURGENTS, but we didn’t use them on civilians. And by the way, those weapons aren’t banned, we didn’t sign any treaty.
Ob Report: It doesn’t matter if you signed the treaty, it’s inhumane to use Chemical Weapons on a civilian population.
Saddam: Well yeah, but these weren’t civilians. You see, we closed off the city and let all the women and children escape if they wanted to.
Ob Report: But there were reports that you turned back male children as young as 12. How could they be considered insurgents?
Saddam: Look, bad things happen in war. That’s why it’s a war. Everything I did I did to protect the Iraqi people. We needed to protect the Iraqi Way of Life. You're being very unpatriotic by even questioning my motives in a time of war. As I said many times, you're either with us, or you're with the enemy.
Ob Report: You have also been accused of invading two sovereign nations without justification and without U.N. approval.
Saddam: I had justification. And the U.N. is corrupt anyway. How can we trust them? They just sit around talking all day long. This called for action. The U.N. was plagued by scandals and mismanagement.
Ob Report: What was your rationale for invading Iran?
Saddam: They had Weapons of Mass Destruction. They were supporting Terrorists. What was I supposed to do sit by and do nothing? My job as President was to protect the Iraqi people. I couldn't wait for the smoking gun to take the form of a mushroom cloud. In fact the Americans liked it so much they sold me weapons and Donald Rumsfeld even came and shook my hand. And all of this happened AFTER I invaded Iran and I supposedly used chemical weapons on my own people. If it wasn’t bad then, why is it so bad now?
Ob Report: But your evidence for Iran having WMD and your evidence for them supporting Terrorists turned out to be false…. No wait… you’re right that turned out to be true didn’t it?
Saddam: Yes, but even if it turned out to be false and I lead the Iraqi people to war based on lies or as I like to call it “bad intelligence”…., I couldn’t just cut and run because that would have been dishonoring the troops who had died up to that point, so you see I had to keep fighting until we won the war.
Ob Report: So what was your justification for invading Kuwait?
Ob Report: Well that about raps up our interview. Thank you Saddam Hussein for giving us your time.
Saddam: That’s Saddam W. Hussein.
Ob Report: Excuse me?
Saddam: My name, it’s Saddam W. Hussein.
Ob Report: What’s the W stand for?
Saddam: W stands for "The President."