Friday, February 17, 2006
Fox News Announces Exclusive Contract To Broadcast Saddam Hussein Interrogation.
Today, Fox News announced that the U.S. government will be publicly broadcasting the Interrogation of Saddam Hussein. The Bush Administration has just signed a 1 billion dollar no-bid no-audit cash contract with Halliburton to build an interrogation center/television studio to broadcast the event.
White House Spokesman Scott McClellan confirmed the reports, “We have been taking a beating publicly and accused of torturing prisoners around the world. So we are going to show exactly the types of interrogation techniques we use, and we are going to broadcast them uninterrupted and unedited. As the President has said, We Do Not Torture. We are going to use our best interrogation techniques on Saddam and we will show the public that we do not torture.”
Fox News has announced a three man broadcast team of Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Anne Coulter to cover the event. Karen Hughes has signed on to be the "sideline" reporter to help Arab and Muslim viewers understand America's respect for human rights.
Scott McClellan confirmed that all of the interrogation techniques will be those approved by President Bush for use on terrorists. Saddam will first be taken to his cell naked and shackled to the floor in the fetal position. He will then be subjected to a week of sleep deprivation techniques consisting of extreme heat, extreme cold, loud noises, and stress positions. When Saddam begins to shit on himself, Coulter, Limbaugh and Hannity will explain to American Viewers that “Arabs all do that over there, so it’s not anything they should be concerned about.”
The real fun will begin when President Bush, Dick Cheney, Alberto Gonzales, Donald Rumsfeld, and Condoleeza Rice will personally conduct Saddam’s Waterboarding Interrogation. Waterboarding is a technique where the prisoner is bound to an inclined board, feet raised and head slightly below the feet. Cellophane is wrapped over the prisoner's face and water is poured over him. Unavoidably, the gag reflex kicks in and a terrifying fear of drowning leads to almost instant pleas to bring the treatment to a halt. According to sources, CIA officers said al Qaeda's toughest prisoner, Khalid Sheik Mohammed, won the admiration of interrogators when he was able to last over two minutes before begging to confess.
During this process, Saddam is expected to confess to being the Mastermind of the September 11 attacks, he will also confirm where he hid those Weapons of Mass Destruction, and he will confirm that it was he who in fact killed John F. Kennedy.
Senator John McCain will be present to explain to the viewers what it was like to be tortured, and he will express concern that what the Bush Administration is doing is not helpful. He will then pose for pictures with the President and attend a Republican Fundraiser After Party.
Democrat Joe Lieberman will also be present to represent the loyal opposition. He will be expected to explain to Americans why he supports the President.